


Heart of Ice

by Arwriter



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Found Family, Hurt/Comfort, Literally horrible communication, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Panic Attacks, Platonic Relationships, Protective Family, Touch-Starved, Touch-Starved Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Virgil's family love him, but it'll be ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:02:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27394660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arwriter/pseuds/Arwriter
Summary: Virgil quickly realizes the light sides had some kind of unspoken rule about touch. Which would be fine, if it didn't just apply to him.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 50
Kudos: 588





	Heart of Ice

**Author's Note:**

> A lot of people are very stressed right now (me included) so take this fic to cope <3
> 
> also this is my 50th fic??

Virgil got it. Really, he did. 

He was the villain for a long time, an unwanted nuisance everyone hated, and understandably so. He would never hold any hostility against them, not when he knew he deserved it. 

Now...maybe he wasn’t a villain. Still a nuisance for sure, but a tolerated one. He’d been getting closer with the other sides, Patton’s smiles more frequent and genuine, Logan taking a real interest in what he had to say, and Roman’s annoyance quickly turning to fond affection. 

So maybe they were friends. Or they were getting there at least. Virgil knew he cared about them more than they would ever care about him, but that was ok. He wasn’t outright despised and that was more than he’d ever dreamed of. 

Sure, their affection could just be to keep him from ducking out again since they’d found out how easily he could ruin Thomas by leaving, but...but he hoped it was more than that. 

It was a mix of conflicting emotions and desires, Virgil never quite able to understand if anything was genuine or not. 

But they didn’t hate him. That was the important thing. It would be selfish to want anything more when he was so utterly unlikeable, right? 

He needed to get over himself. It didn’t  _ matter.  _

It shouldn’t be bothering him this much. It was completely understandable that they didn’t want to touch him. 

But did they have to act like he was some kind of  _ disease?  _

They were all touchy feely people. Roman and Patton hugged countless times a day, and even Logan would absentmindedly clap their shoulders or squeeze their hands in passing. 

Virgil watched them lean up against each other, lace their fingers together, pat each other's back in greeting and praise. It all came so naturally to them, clearly some kind of unspoken language in their little family. 

And Virgil wanted that. He wanted it so badly it  _ hurt.  _ His chest squeezed whenever he saw Patton squeeze Logan’s hand, the loneliness crushing when Roman would pick Patton up in a crushing but safe hug. 

Virgil...couldn’t even remember the last time he’d been touched. He’d grazed a shoulder in passing once or twice over the years, and he and Princey had accidentally held hands for half a second during a video, but other than that he came up blank. 

And he’d  _ definitely  _ never had a hug. He knew that for sure. No one had offered one because...because why would they? Who would want to hug  _ Virgil?  _

It was amazing enough that they were willing to be in the same room with him. All three of them were trying so hard to be friendly in the last few weeks since he’d told them his name and...it was incredible. It was like a dream. 

But it was so unbearably obvious how careful they were not to touch him. Like he was something disgusting to be avoided. Like he would burn them, taint them beyond repair. 

They would swerve out of his way when passing through a room to avoid brushing his shoulder, quickly pull their hands away if their fingers were about to brush his, carefully leaving as much empty space as possible if sitting beside him on the couch. 

It went on for weeks, and it didn’t stop. No one commented on it, or bothered to avoid physical affection in  _ front  _ of him, and Virgil decided the best course of action was to try and ignore it. 

If he brought it up, it would just turn into something awkward, and nothing would change. He’d rather just avoid the subject completely. 

Virgil could handle that. He could ignore the ache in his chest and push down the thoughts of how desperately he just wanted a  _ hug.  _

Everyone at least had the decency not to make it a big deal. It  _ wasn’t  _ a big deal. 

Until...until it kind of was. 

It had been a stressful few days for all of them, but obviously Virgil was taking the brunt of Thomas’s anxiety. They all knew that, and he appreciated how attentive and gentle they’d been with him lately. 

Thomas was waiting on an important phone call, a confirmation that would give him a green light on his latest project they’d all been working non-stop on. 

Virgil didn’t know the specific details of what they were waiting for, he’d lost himself to his panic immediately after hearing the words “important phone call” but he knew it was a yes or no answer, and that Thomas was  _ incredibly  _ anxious about it. 

He and Patton were waiting in the mindscape’s kitchen, mugs of untouched hot chocolate sitting in front of them, Patton idly chatting to keep Virgil distracted. 

And then Roman and Logan were suddenly rising up- the Prince with a dazzling grin on his face and Logan with a relieved sort of smile. 

“He said yes!” Roman announced, and just like Virgil’s shoulders sagged, all the tension seeping out of his muscles. Thank god. 

There were still more things to worry about now that the new project was actually underway. They would have to work out a new schedule, make sure they had enough time to perfect their scripts, and then of course there was the problem of nobody  _ liking  _ the finished product--

But that could wait. Right now...it was just nice to see everyone so happy. 

Patton was already jumping up to give Roman a hug, reaching over to squeeze Logan’s hand, and Virgil quickly turned away before the ache in his chest, the feeling that  _ longed  _ for something similar could turn into the cold throbbing pain he occasionally grew familiar with. 

He grabbed the mugs of now cooling hot chocolate to distract himself, smiling to himself as he tried to focus on the relief instead of the sorrow, and carried them over to the counter. 

He set the mugs down, turned back around, and suddenly Patton was in front of him, pulling Virgil into the first hug he’d ever received in his life. 

Virgil couldn’t breathe. 

Patton was warm up against him, solid and comforting, arms wrapped around Virgil’s back like the softest thing in the world, and for just a second, for the first time, everything was perfect. Everything was  _ ok,  _ and the ache in his chest was gone. 

It lasted less than two seconds, and suddenly Patton was pulling away like he’d actually been burned. 

“I--” 

Patton stopped whatever he’d been about to say, staring warily at a completely frozen, speechless Virgil. The warmth had seeped out of his body almost immediately, the ache returning with a vengeance, the  _ want  _ for touch even worse than before. 

Logan and Roman were staring, eyes going from Patton to Virgil, tense and panicked like they were expecting some kind of violent reaction. 

God, was touching him really _ that _ bad? 

“I’m sorry,” Patton said quickly, glancing back at the others before turning back to Virgil, who quickly averted his gaze. “Sorry, Virge I wasn’t...I wasn’t thinking. I just got excited.” 

“Right,” Virgil said, glad that at least his voice didn’t betray how it felt like his heart was crumbling. “I get it.” 

“Virgil,” Patton said softly, and Virgil’s heart sank when he took a step back, putting even more space in between them. “I didn’t mean to, kiddo, I...it won’t happen again.” 

Of course it wouldn’t. Virgil shouldn’t expect it to. They didn’t even want to brush shoulders with him, so why the hell would anyone ever hug him voluntarily? 

“I know,” he said, already moving towards the doorway, grimacing when the others stepped away to give him extra space. He couldn’t help but feel a little bitter at how obvious all of it was. Come on, it wasn’t like he was  _ infected.  _ “It’s whatever.” 

He stalked out of the kitchen, for the first time allowing himself to feel angry over this whole stupid thing. After  _ weeks  _ of tirelessly working to be better, after being accepted in every  _ other  _ way, they still wouldn’t…

He’d thought he was getting better. They’d called him  _ family.  _

“Virgil?” Logan called, but Virgil ignored him,  _ really  _ not in the mood for any half-hearted excuses or lectures on why he should just be happy with what he got. 

It was selfish to ask for more. He was greedy and awful and he would never really be one of them. He should know that by now and stop filling his head with fantasies that they might actually love him as much as they loved each other. 

Virgil didn’t bother looking back to see if any of them looked even a little bit guilty. He pulled up his hood, hurried up the stairs, and locked himself in his room. It was probably where they wanted him, anyway. 

Virgil collapsed at the end of his bed, head in his hands, well aware it probably looked like he was throwing a tantrum. They all probably hated him even more now. 

But...but could they really blame him for being frustrated? Yeah, he didn’t expect them to be entirely comfortable around him, definitely not as physical as they were with each other, but he was really  _ trying.  _

They didn’t need to make him feel like some walking virus. 

Well. He’d gotten a hug, at least. His first and last real hug. He thought he might do anything to have that feeling again. 

But no one wanted to hug Anxiety. Patton had said so himself- never again. 

When Virgil allowed himself to be coaxed out of his room for dinner a few hours later, he noted with some sense of relief that the others seemed determined to pretend the incident in the kitchen never happened. 

Good. While it didn’t undo how humiliated and disgusting he felt, the sooner they all forgot about it the sooner Virgil could continue ignoring how badly it hurt. 

He shouldn't be upset. He needed to calm down and get over himself before he started causing issues. 

He did, however, wonder if it was just his imagination that Roman’s chair seemed farther away from him today. 

“So...movie night tonight, right?” Patton asked suddenly, voice chipper as he set down his fork. “I think we could all use some relaxation.” 

“A splendid idea!” Roman exclaimed, and Virgil managed not to flinch at the volume of his voice. “You’ll be joining us right, Marilyn Morose?” 

Virgil startled when the attention suddenly turned to him, suspicion and hope waging war at the soft encouragement in Prince’s voice. 

Was this...a guilt thing? 

“I- I mean I guess,” he said. “Maybe. If you like, want me to.” 

He’d always known they did movie nights at least once a week, all cuddled up together on the couch, but Virgil had never actually been invited to one until he revealed his name. He’d attended a couple of them now, and they were...nice. Even if he always ended up on the armchair. 

“Of course we do!” Patton said. “We always do. You’re our family, kiddo!” 

Well, they certainly had a funny way of showing that. 

Virgil quickly backtracked, pushing away his own dark thoughts. That wasn’t fair to them. Aside from the lack of any physical touch, they  _ had  _ welcomed him almost completely. In every other way, he was treated like one of them. 

Besides, he’d clearly done something to warrant the unspoken no-touching rule. It wasn’t  _ their  _ fault he was too stupid to figure out what it was. 

“You are a large part of the reason Thomas succeeded today,” Logan added, and Virgil felt a bit breathless at the praise. “You stayed vigilant and cautious, and made sure there were no mistakes. I’m very grateful for your assistance.” 

Virgil ducked his head, surprised when glancing at the other two showed only kind smiles and honest appreciation in their eyes. They were...actually being serious. He’d done something  _ right.  _

“It...it wasn’t...I was just--” 

“Doing your job,” Logan finished for him. “And doing it quite well, I might add. As you usually do.” 

It wasn’t anywhere near as intense as the feeling Patton’s hug had brought, but...but it was close, warmth spreading over his chest. Virgil let himself relax, and offered a small smile in return. 

“Ok,” he said, because he still was absolutely useless when it came to voicing his thoughts. “Thanks. Uh, you...you too.” 

He might have missed it if he wasn’t always so attentive to people’s body language (sometimes overly so), but Logan’s hand was suddenly moving forward like he was going to pat Virgil on the arm. 

It never made contact, of course. Logan caught himself in less than a second, the logical side sitting up ramrod straight and quickly pulling his hand back to his lap. 

He offered an apologetic smile, Patton and Roman quickly clearing their throats and turning back to their dinner plates, and Virgil was forcibly reminded where he stood. 

He’d done what he was supposed to do, keeping Thomas safe and helping him reach his goals, but that didn’t just magically change things. 

Right. No touching. But he could survive off nothing but words of validation and verbal affirmation. That was just as good. 

Except…

Except between the accidental hug and the rush of anticipation that came with Logan  _ almost  _ putting a hand over his own, Virgil had never felt the longing for any type of physical touch so strongly in his entire life. 

He’d gotten used to having nothing, to being alone, just periodic glimpses of the warmth he would always be left out of. He’d adapted to it, learned to live with the cold ache in his chest, and moved on. 

And now... 

Now it kind of felt like he was dying. Like the cold loneliness was wrapping around him, all powerful and suffocating, his breaths coming faster and faster--

Patton stood to begin clearing the table, and Virgil was moving before he even really processed what he was doing. 

“I got it,” he said. He was trembling slightly, and he was almost positive they could all hear it in his voice. “I can do the dishes. I’ll do them.” 

It was a stupid,  _ stupid  _ thought that had crept into his brain, but right now- as desperate as it was- it was the only thing keeping him from falling apart completely. 

Patton blinked, tilting his head like a confused puppy. “I- well thank you, kiddo but that’s ok, I think I--”

“I can do it,” he insisted. “You can- You can go relax, I- I got it.”

That was what he needed to do, right? He couldn’t be left feeling this empty and cold all the time. He would never give up what he had with the others but being this close to them all the time had awoken something in him. Nobody _ever_ touched him and he couldn’t keep going like this. 

He’d done well today. He’d been good and Logan had almost,  _ almost  _ set aside whatever personal bias they all had to touch him. It had been  _ so close.  _

So obviously...obviously he wasn’t good enough. Not quite. He was still just horrible enough that no one could bring themselves to close the distance between them. 

But that was ok. He could do better. He could  _ be  _ better. And if that didn’t work, then...well, then verbal praise was the next best thing, right? 

Unfortunately, he must look even worse than he felt because Roman was suddenly reaching for Virgil’s plate, pulling it out of his reach. 

For a second, Virgil thought about reaching for it under the small flare of hope that their fingers might brush. 

“I don’t believe that is the wisest idea,” Logan said. “You’re clearly agitated and distressed. I recommend you wait on the couch while we clean up tonight.” 

Virgil shook his head, though logically he knew the dirty dishes would end up slipping right through his shaking fingers if he tried to clean up right now. 

But he couldn’t take the thought of just sitting on the couch, a useless hindrance they would only grow to despise more and more. 

“I- I want to help--” 

“Virgil,” Logan said. “Ever since you began regularly eating meals with us, there have been exactly three times you have not helped with the clean up. Two of those were because Thomas summoned you, and the other was due to your fatigue after a recent panic attack.” 

“But I--” 

“You have had a long day,” the logical side continued. “You’re exhausted, and you need to sit down before you end up hurting yourself. Nobody is going to be angry if you take a break today, Virgil. Please accompany me to the living room.” 

And Virgil knew there was no way to argue with any of that. Not when Roman and Patton were nodding encouragingly. Not when Logan was motioning for him to follow and he thought maybe,  _ maybe  _ he would put his hand on Virgil’s shoulder to guide him into the living room. 

He didn’t. 

They both ended up on the couch, Logan counting out familiar breathing exercises to keep Virgil from hyperventilating. He did his best to focus on calming down, eyes cast stubbornly down to the ground. 

There was a good couple inches of space between them, enough that Logan wouldn’t accidentally bump into him if he moved his arm too fast. Of course. 

“I assume what happened earlier today has made you jumpy,” Logan said after a few moments. “I assure you, Patton really is sorry. Hugging you was never his intention, sometimes the others can just get...over excited when it comes to physical affection. Patton can’t always control himself.” 

Virgil bit his lip, forcibly biting back tears that threatened to rise because this was really not helping. He  _ understood  _ that no one ever planned on hugging him, he didn’t need it shoved in his face all the time. 

“Yeah,” he muttered. “I know.” 

Despite everything, Virgil had actually managed to calm down a bit by the time the others joined them for movie night, Roman plopping down on the other side of Logan, Patton shuffling around to find the remote and set down popcorn bowls. 

Virgil knew trying to leave would only invite more worried frowns and gentle questions he didn’t know how to answer (besides, he didn’t particularly like the thought of being all alone up in his room right now), so he just took a shaky breath and willed himself to stay calm, shoving everything aside for the moment. 

And then Patton moved to sit down with the others, and visibly hesitated at the end of the couch. 

There was plenty of room for one more person. It wouldn’t even be particularly cramped, not with the way Roman was already invading most of Logan’s space. 

But, of course, it was just enclosed enough that it ran the risk of Patton’s leg brushing Virgil’s when he sat down. 

Virgil stood up before Patton even had the chance to open his mouth and stalked over to the empty armchair, not bothering to hide his irritation. He might not blame them for it, but that didn’t mean he had to act  _ happy  _ about being so repulsive to the others. 

“Aw, you don’t have to do that kiddo,” Patton said. “You can stay on the couch, I don’t mind.” 

“It’s whatever,” he said, and it was like someone had just dumped a bucket of ice water over his head, the sudden distance separating Virgil from everyone else making him shudder, and his reply came out a lot more curt than he’d meant it to. “This is where you want me, right?” 

Patton had lowered himself next to Logan and was peering at Virgil curiously, worried smile dropping to a slight frown. “You can sit wherever you want, kiddo. You know that.” 

Virgil couldn’t stop the scoff that escaped. “Right. Just as long as it’s somewhere you won’t accidentally hug me again, right?”

The room was plunged into an uneasy silence. Great. He’d managed to make movie night awkward and the television hadn’t even been turned on yet. 

“Kiddo, I--”

“It’s fine,” he said quickly, guilt coiling in his gut. “It’s...sorry. I didn’t- I know you didn’t mean to. Just...long day.” 

“We’ve  _ all  _ had a long day,” Roman snapped, sitting up from where he’d been leaning against Logan, and Virgil inadvertently found himself wondering how that would feel. “There’s no need to be rude to Patton, Negative Nancy.” 

_ He  _ was the one being rude?  _ Him?  _ After weeks of them treating Virgil like he was contagious and not even bothering to offer an explanation?

“Right,” he muttered.  _ “I’m  _ the asshole. Like always.” 

“Virgil,” Logan spoke up, clearly caught off guard by the sudden shift in tone, and Virgil deflated. “We...understand your uneasiness. But between the three of us, physical contact has become something of a habit. We have been careful not to extend that to you, but habits take time to grow out of. And mistakes will be made.” 

And Virgil...Virgil was pretty sure if he didn’t get out of this room right now he was going to burst into tears. They’d never actually talked about this before. He’d never heard them acknowledge that it wasn’t just his overactive imagination. 

“I get that,” he said, voice painfully strained. “I do, I’m...I’m not trying to fight I just- just...do you guys have to be so  _ obvious  _ about it?” 

Virgil risked a glance up, all three of them staring at him now with some form of hesitant uncertainty. 

Logan cleared his throat and echoed Virgil’s request. “Obvious?” 

“Yeah,” he agreed. “You guys don’t...I don’t get why you’ve all decided touching me is somehow the worst fucking thing in the world. I know...I  _ know  _ you won't touch me and it’s not like I  _ blame _ you- trust me, I’ve met myself- but...you could at least  _ maybe  _ try not to treat me like I’m carrying the goddamn plague!” 

His outburst was met with silence, the other side’s expressions unreadable, and Virgil’s heart sank when he realized his vision was becoming quickly clouded with tears. 

He quickly started to backtrack. “I mean, I...sorry. Sorry, I didn’t mean to...it’s ok you guys. Really, it is. I get it, I’m...I’m Anxiety. Nobody wants...obviously you guys aren’t ever gonna--” 

“Virgil,” Logan cut him off, and the logical side sounded...panicked? “I believe we may have had a very large misunderstanding. You...would you  _ like  _ us to engage in physical contact with you?” 

Virgil hunched his shoulders, frantically blinking away tears. “I’m not...I’m not gonna  _ make  _ anyone...you don’t want to, and that’s fine. Really. I’m not mad, it’s ok.”

“Honey,  _ no.”  _ Patton sounded breathless when he spoke up, frantic. “That’s not it at all! We thought you didn’t  _ want  _ us touching you!” 

Virgil froze, everything around him screeching to a stop, and for a moment he thought he must have misheard. 

“I- you... _ what?”  _ Why would they... _ how  _ could they think that? He’d actually thought it was fairly obvious how badly he wanted it. 

Roman stood up from the couch and crossed his arms. “Why on  _ earth  _ would we go out of our way to avoid touching you if it wasn’t to make  _ you  _ comfortable?” 

Virgil blinked, suddenly completely lost. What the hell was going on? He’d thought they’d made their intentions pretty clear. 

“I...why _wouldn’t_ I want you guys to--?”

“Well, you certainly  _ acted  _ like it!” Roman snapped, and Virgil knew the Prince well enough by now to know he wasn’t angry, just stressed. “If you didn’t mind being touched, you wouldn’t act like we were trying to electrocute you every time we got too close!”

Patton reached up to put a hand on Roman’s arm, steadying him, but his gaze never left Virgil. 

Virgil was starting to think this was all some kind of twisted dream his touch-starved mind had come up with, flipping everything around for the sole purpose of confusing him. This was...this was a joke, right? Some kind of excuse?

“What are you talking about?” he asked, ignoring how bad the tremble in his voice had gotten. “I didn’t...guys, it’s  _ ok  _ if you don’t want to touch me, I-I’m not gonna force you obviously, I just...never understood why it was a big deal. That’s all.” 

Patton was shaking his head, hands moving to cover his mouth as Virgil spoke, and the moral side turned warily to Logan. 

“Virgil,” Logan said. “We clearly could have...handled this differently. We’ve been purposely avoiding physical contact because based on your body language, we... _ I  _ concluded that it made you uncomfortable.” 

“It wasn't just you, Specs,” Roman said, his voice softer than when he’d been talking to Virgil. “We all clearly misunderstood. I- I still don’t quite...understand.” 

The room was spinning, and Virgil did his best to blink away the dizziness washing over him, furiously wiping away a few stray tears that made their escape. He hoped no one noticed. 

“I thought you just...didn’t want to. Because it’s...you know. Me.” 

“Oh,  _ kiddo.”  _

“What did I do?” he asked, suddenly terrified as to how he could have misread the situation so horribly for so long. “To...to make you guys think that?” 

Logan blinked, his brow furrowing as he scrutinized Virgil from behind his glasses, and all three of them looked oddly confused by the question. 

“I...Virgil, it’s been fairly easy to pick up on for some time now. Even before we learned your name.” 

Patton frowned, taking a small step forward. “You got...really tense whenever someone would go to touch you, kiddo. Like you thought it was gonna hurt.” 

“Earlier on, one of us moving like we planned on touching you would result in a flinch,” Logan added. “Later, as we got closer, we noticed you going very still. Like you were afraid. It wasn’t hard to avoid touching you before learning your name, but now…” 

“We had to be more careful,” Roman jumped in. “Clearly that...wasn’t what you wanted.” 

God Virgil was so  _ stupid.  _ This whole time he’d thought...he hadn’t even done anything  _ wrong.  _ And now all he’d managed to do was make everyone stressed and confused. He’d fucked everything up without even realizing. 

They’d...they’d tried to touch him before? Before even learning his name? If he’d just been  _ normal  _ he could have avoided years of that cold, longing feeling settling in his chest? 

He wondered if things would change now. Probably not, Virgil reasoned with himself, his throat tightening at the thought. He blew it. They’d just be upset with him now. 

“I am...I am so sorry,” Logan said, and Virgil was having a difficult time following what was being said. “After getting to know you and your behavior patterns, I had concluded that your aversion to touch stemmed from sensory issues that can often relate to anxiety. Clearly, I should have asked you for confirmation.” 

Logan sounded genuinely guilty, while Roman and Patton were looking at him softly. It wasn’t a big deal. He’d been wrong. They didn’t hate him, he’d just stupidly misunderstood their intentions. 

But it was all cleared up now. It didn’t matter. He could suck it up and move on, just as long as he could keep the annoyingly persistent tears at bay for a little bit longer. 

“It’s ok,” he said, squeezing his eyes shut and hunching over himself when his breath caught in his throat. “It’s...i-it’s  _ fine.”  _

God, he was so pathetic. He was  _ pathetic.  _ Why would anyone ever want to touch him? 

“Obviously it’s not, sweetie.” Patton was suddenly in front of him, kneeling in front of the armchair. “We didn’t mean to hurt you, Virge, but it’s ok to be upset with us.” 

Virgil shook his head, voice refusing to cooperate with his racing mind. He quickly wiped at the fresh tears, refusing to fall apart over something so stupid. 

The next moment happened in a frantic blur, but everything clicked into place when it was over. 

Patton carefully reached forward, moving to rest his hand on the anxious side’s knee, and Virgil’s heart squeezed in desperation and hope for the gentle, grounding touch he’d never been able to experience before. 

His body ended up reacting differently, completely against his will. He tensed up completely, wide eyes locking onto Patton’s hand, his breathing stopping completely. 

Patton noticed, of course. His face fell at the reaction, and he quickly pulled his hand away. 

Oh. Virgil supposed it did look like he was scared rather than desperate. “S-sorry. I--” 

“Don’t be sorry, kiddo,” Patton said, but he sounded hesitant. Disappointed. “It just...seems like you’re uncomfortable.” 

“It’s...it’s not that,” Virgil managed. His voice was horribly unsteady, but he needed them all to understand that it wasn’t  _ them-  _ he was just too useless to control his own reactions. “I didn’t even realize I...I just have never had it before so I don’t...I don’t know how to--” 

“Wait a second,” Roman said, Virgil quickly snapping his mouth shut. “What do you mean you’ve never  _ had  _ it?” 

They were all staring at him, probably baffled and annoyed by his inconsistent rambling, and Virgil curled tighter in on himself, his cheeks burning. 

“I...I’ve never, uhm…” He suddenly didn’t want to say it, all too aware of how little it mattered. This conversation should have been over a long time ago. “I’ve never been...you know. I-I’ve never...done it.” 

Great, now it just sounded like he was speaking nonsense. But the others seemed to have some idea of what he was talking about, judging by the looks they were suddenly throwing each other. Roman was the only one who eventually spoke up.

“You- are you just talking about touch?” The Prince demanded, and Virgil shrank back. “Virgil, you’ve never been  _ touched? _ At  _ all?”  _

Virgil shrugged, dropping his gaze to his lap. “I mean, yeah. Not...not really. Other than, um, other than Patton hugging me today.”

But he’d seen Patton hug the others, and he knew what he’d gotten could barely count as one. Not that he had any right to complain. He’d be lucky if they didn’t shun him for the rest of his life after today. 

“I’m sorry,” he said when the silence stretched on far too long to mean anything good. “I know, guys. I know it isn’t a big deal, I’m really  _ really  _ sorry for making it one, I just--” 

_ “Virgil.”  _ Patton’s voice came out more choked, more anguished than Virgil had expected, and then…

And then there was a hand on his face, cupping his cheek and brushing away the falling tears, and Virgil couldn’t breathe in the best way possible. 

Patton’s hand was warm, enough to startle Virgil out of his spiraling panic for the moment, but his breath still hitched when he met the moral side’s watering gaze. 

“Virgil,” he said again. “Is it alright if I hug you?” 

Virgil blinked, still partly convinced this was a dream, heart racing in his chest. He couldn’t find his voice, eyes glued to Patton’s, but he managed a tiny nod. 

It all happened so fast- suddenly Patton’s hands were wrapped around his own, pulling him off the chair and onto wobbling legs, and then he was being pulled forward...

Oh.  _ Oh.  _

He fell against Patton’s chest, his head resting in the crook of the moral side’s neck, Virgil’s legs threatening to give out beneath him when Patton wrapped his arms around him and held on tight. 

Virgil was sobbing before Patton even started rubbing circles on his back, rocking them both gently, hushing him softly. 

He had no idea if he was doing this right, practically limp in Patton’s hold. His arms were just uselessly hanging there, hands wracked with violent tremors. But even if he did know what to do, he doubted he could force his body to move right now, only able to melt into the embrace as the living room filled with his miserable sobbing. 

“Oh baby, it’s ok.” Patton was talking softly, his breath warm against Virgil’s ear, and he finally forced his hands to move up and clutch the other side’s shirt. “It’s ok, you’re ok. I’ve got you. We’ve all got you now. You’re alright.” 

There was another hand cupping the back of his head, running fingers through his hair, and he caught a glimpse of Logan pressing up against them both. The movements of his fingers were slow and precise, burning Virgil’s freezing skin like the most pleasant fire, his words of reassurances lost to the sound of desperate cries. 

And then Roman was there too, briefly meeting Virgil’s eyes with a sad but hopeful smile, suddenly moving around to join in and hug Virgil from behind. 

He quickly realized that this, as overwhelming as it was for his first time, was the single best feeling in the entire world. He was certain that he would crash to the ground in a trembling heap if the others weren’t supporting his weight. 

Virgil had never felt so warm. The brief hug in the kitchen had been  _ nothing  _ compared to this. He couldn’t stop shaking despite it, overwhelmed and so,  _ so  _ relieved, wanting nothing more than to melt into the embrace and never let go. He could stay here forever, wrapped up in safety and warmth, the rest of the cold, lonely world forgotten. 

But eventually he cried himself out, sobs dying down to hiccuping gasps as he fought to get a hold of his breathing. Patton and Roman loosened their grip, Logan’s fingers slowing, but none of them pulled away just yet. 

Virgil took in a shuddering breath. “I’m s- I’m  _ sorry.”  _

“Don’t be sorry,” Patton said. “You don’t need to be sorry for a thing, kiddo.”

He clutched Patton’s shirt tighter, sucking in a breath when Roman moved to put a hand over his fist. “I- I thought y-you...you all--” 

“We should have  _ asked,”  _ Patton said, pulling back enough to see Virgil’s face. “We should have realized you were hurting, honey. That’s our fault.” 

“Not yours, Virge,” Roman agreed, leaning forward slightly to press his forehead against Virgil’s temple. “I can’t even imagine how isolated we must have made you feel. But that’s over now. We can fix this. We  _ will  _ fix this.” 

“I do want to offer my sincere apologies,” Logan said. “We had all misread the behavior, but I was the one who enforced it after learning your name. I should never have jumped to conclusions so quickly.” 

Virgil tried to shrug, but it quickly proved to be impossible with how tightly he was pressed against the others. He didn’t mind at all. 

He wasn’t ready to let go yet, despite the way his stomach twisted at the guilt Logan didn’t deserve to be feeling, a dark part of his mind whispering that once he pulled away, the warmth would never come back. 

“It’s ok,” he said, voice still raw and hoarse. “It was just a s-stupid misunderstanding, right? I shouldn’t have gotten so worked up, I- I know it’s not a big deal. It’s just a hug.” 

It was a lie and they all knew it. Silly as it was, it meant the world to  _ him.  _ He would do just about anything to make this feeling last forever. 

“Virgil,  _ no.”  _

Patton was moving away, and Virgil felt a rush of blinding panic before Logan suddenly took his place, holding Virgil’s face in his hands, eyes wide and intense. Patton didn’t go far, his hand moving to clutch Virgil’s arm, and Roman only tightened his hold. 

“It is  _ not  _ stupid, Virgil,” Logan said, tilting Virgil's chin up. “Not at all. I can assure you, it was far from an overreaction.” 

“Logan--” 

“Physical touch is essential for one’s mental health.  _ Especially  _ for those who experience heightened anxiety. I should have  _ known... _ depriving you of any physical contact your entire life has left you incredibly touch starved, likely only worsening any symptoms you would naturally experience.” 

Usually, Virgil found it fascinating listening to Logan, the way he so naturally took on a teaching position, spouting off information like he was reading from an invisible book.

Now, the dread and panic were clawing at his throat, and Virgil swallowed, forcing himself to speak. “Am I...am I hurting Thomas?”

The terror was overwhelming, doing all it could to convince him that the others would hate him, that Thomas would want him gone for good. But it didn’t last long, Logan shaking his head with an unbearably gentle expression. 

“I am not talking about Thomas’s mental state.” He reached forward to brush away some of Virgil’s hair, looking oddly relieved when Virgil leaned into the touch. “I’m talking about  _ yours.”  _

“Oh.” 

Roman finally dropped his arms, but just like Patton he didn’t go anywhere, his chest still brushing Virgil’s back while he reached for one of his hands. Patton took his other one, both running gentle patterns over his knuckles with their thumbs. 

Virgil felt like he was going to melt right here and now. He couldn’t help but smile. 

“Since it seems you're comfortable with touch,” Logan said, and Virgil almost wanted to laugh. He was a little bit more than  _ comfortable.  _ “I’m hopeful we can undo any damage that has been caused. Tonight is already a good start.” 

And that...that sounded amazing. It sounded  _ more  _ than amazing. It was all he’d wanted this whole time, years of bitter, icy cold loneliness already paling in comparison to the warmth and love he’d felt in the last ten minutes. 

But...

“I...thank you. Thank you  _ so much,  _ but...I-I don’t want to make you do anything you don’t--” 

“Kiddo,” Patton said. “Do you know how many times I’ve had to stop myself from hugging you?” 

“All of us,” Roman added. “I’ve lost track of how many close calls I’ve had. I thought it was _good_ you didn’t seem to notice how badly I wanted to, but...apparently not. But we _love_ you, Virge. We love you so much.” 

“We do!” Patton squeezed his hand. “We really,  _ really  _ do. You’re not forcing us into anything, kiddo. You’re family.” 

Virgil kind of wanted to pinch himself to make absolutely sure this wasn’t a dream. But there was absolutely no  _ way  _ he could make up something this good. 

“Ok,” he said, still wincing at how weak his voice sounded. “That’s...that’s good because I...I don’t think I could go back. Uh, to how it was. After...after all this. I-if this was just a one time thing, I don’t know what I’d do. And I know that’s dumb, this is literally my fault, but--” 

“None of that,” Logan said, firm but not unkind, and Virgil fell silent. “This is far from a one time thing. I believe you’ll start having a hard time getting  _ away  _ from the hugs now.” 

Virgil laughed, not really caring when it came out as more of a strangled sob. “I think I’m ok with that.” 

“It’s still early,” Patton said. “You kiddos think we should take this to the couch? We can still watch some movies if you’re up to it, Virgil.” 

As soon as he nodded, Virgil felt arms wrap around him again, one under his knees and one behind his back, lifting him up from the ground. 

“Princey!” He wrapped his arms around Roman’s shoulders by instinct and froze, suddenly terrified he would be yelled at. But, he reminded himself, Roman was literally holding Virgil in his arms. Nobody found Virgil repulsive. “I can walk, dork.” 

Roman grinned down at him, taking them both back towards the couch. Virgil found he really didn’t mind being carried when it ended up with him put down in the middle of the couch, still curled up in Prince’s hold with his head against Roman’s chest. 

The others joined soon after, Patton grabbing the popcorn and sitting on Roman’s other side with his legs propped up on Virgil’s lap. Logan sat directly next to Virgil, his hand squeezing the anxious side’s shoulder before dropping his head to rest on Virgil’s shoulder. 

Virgil shuddered, tensing against his will at the rush of sensations, but no one pulled away when he didn’t quite know how to reciprocate. 

“Just relax now,” Roman said softly, pressing a kiss to Virgil’s hair while Patton got the movie started. “We’re not going anywhere.” 

  
  


Virgil wasn’t sure when he fell asleep, only vaguely aware of himself drifting in and out of consciousness, still held safely by the others on the couch, an old familiar Disney movie playing in the background. 

He thought his position might have been changed, but he still felt the rise and fall of Roman’s chest beneath his head, someone’s hand running gently through his hair. 

For the first time, he felt safe upon waking up and let himself keep his eyes shut, breathing deeply. 

“Is he asleep?” he heard Patton ask, the hand in his hair slowing for just a moment. “He really wore himself out today.” 

“Indeed,” Logan agreed from somewhere nearby. “Not to mention a common side effect of touch starvation is difficulty sleeping, nightmares, stress, a lower sense of self worth, dep--” 

“But he’ll be ok now,” Patton said, thankfully cutting off Logan’s worryingly accurate description. “He’s got us, and he’s my kiddo. He never has to feel that way again.” 

“It will take some time. And eventually we will have to have a talk about consent and boundaries- I don’t ever want him feeling overwhelmed. But you are accurate, Patton. He has us now. He will be alright.” 

Virgil had to force himself not to smile, not quite ready for this to end for the night. He knew eventually he’d have to head back to his room, but the thought of being alone again, even just for the night, was--

“I don’t want him to wake up alone,” Roman whispered, like he could read Virgil’s mind. “Is it alright if we stay here tonight?” 

“Of course, kiddo.” 

“I am perfectly comfortable where I am.” 

True to their word, none of them seemed inclined to leave the comfort of the couch, the movie’s volume eventually turned down to a faded hum. 

Virgil sighed, relaxed and content, letting himself smile as he fell back into the first truly restful sleep he’d had in a long time, followed closely by warmth and love. 

**Author's Note:**

> Everyone stay safe and strong, I love you all <3
> 
> hmu on tumblr @eliemo if you have any prompts or just need someone to vibe with


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